7 Hot Tips for CEOs: How to Blast Stereotypes and Self-Efface

Hello Jo? (muttering) Nobody there. Wait a minute, Jo? Jay Oh? Hmmm, that’s gotta be a typo. Must be Joe, with an “e.” HELLO, JOE! CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? Stop shouting? Yes sir. Now then, I’m taking a randomized survey on whether randomly chosen CEOs fit the American stereotype. Hello! Are you there? Good, I’ll just plunge right in, then, shall I? First question: Do you carry a few extra pounds?

Yes, I agree, that is an obnoxious question. Just for the record, you’re taut and toned? Fair enough. And you’re pretty sure that I can’t legally ask this? Well, I only asked because five percent of American CEOs are overweight.
Sorry, didn’t mean to offend. Next question: Are you Caucasian?

What? The Civil Rights Act, you say? I’m an idiot, you say? Yes, it’s a very good thing that we have these laws in place. And you wish there was a law against idiots? So do I. OK, moving on. Are you over 50?

Oh…of course! The Age Discrimination Act! Buzz off or you’ll hunt me down? OK…no, wait, wait. I have statistics! Yes, I’m listening. Jo is short for Josefina, you’re a non-smoker, you run five miles a day and you’re 27. Woah. (And that’s when I get kicked to the curb.)

Invisible Commentator: “Jo is not alone. Twenty-five percent of American CEOs today are under 50.”

Where did that voice come from? Oh. Hi, it’s still me, the idiot. I’m back….hello? She hung up! My boss stalks over, hands me a new phone script, tears up the old one, and mutters “idiot” under his breath.

OK, I’ll try another one. (Dialing, then reading from script):
(Female voice answers) Hello, may I speak to your boss? She hung up. What the *!@?% Blew it again. OK, one more try. (Male voice answers) Great, I got the big man!

Let’s get serious. Let’s talk about your operations people. You know, those almost-invisible beings who scurry about, doing your bidding.

1) In a sense, they’re like adorable puppies. All they want is to be petted and praised. Tummy rubs, not so much. Middle management really likes it when you build them up, with genuinely warm approval. Say it with me: “Good morning, Dave! Great work on the Whatsit account.” What’s that? You’re not a warm guy? I know this is a tough one, but just grit your teeth and get through it. Distract yourself; think about your boats, all lined up and shiny. Feel better now? Good.

2) Oh, and they really like a boss who tells jokes at his own expense. Like the Widget Company’s CEO, Marvin Kloibe (the “o” is silent), who made a video of himself asking the cleaning lady for business advice. When you emulate CEOs like Kloibe, you create two benefits for your company: your humility builds trust, and you are more revered. It really is magic.

3) What’s your company’s biggest competitor? Join your crew in a game of “Trash International Widgets.” Say ‘em with me: frigger, arse, pillock, mooncalf. Presto! Your employees suddenly see you as awe-inspiring, and as a high-status leader. Hey, I’m not making this stuff up.

4) Be visible to your team. Yes, I know that your ivory tower is comfortable, and it gets great WiFi. But can your staff even distinguish your face from the corporate photo? They value veracity and transparency. They know that you’re up there, in your ivory tower, but they have no idea who you really are. Appear live and in person. But remember, first impressions are everything. So do dress nicely.

5) The team has no idea if you, personally, trust them to work autonomously, and value their contributions. No one likes a helicopter boss. They can greatly improve your company image, and, by extension, yours. Or not. So connect with them and build bridges. No, not actual bridges. Where did you go to business school, anyway?

6) They love to learn stuff – from you. Host a monthly Q&A for every single person you employ. Connect with them, for God’s sake. And go easy on the risque humor.

This last one will be hard and scary.

7) Establish an open door policy. Yep, that’s what I said. You don’t want anyone to see your awesome boat collection? Your employees are hardly just anyone, though, eh? No, I’m not from Canada. Just think about it. If your staff has VIP access, morale will rise, and, once again you’ll look like a genius. Transparency is good, remember? Besides, you can hear all the juicy gossip: “Brad did what?!”

Well, thanks so much for your cooperation. On our next call…hmmm? Don’t call you ever again? No problem, we have your email.

In our next email: “Shared Decision Making: the Revolution That Your Company Maybe Needs.”

By Ashley West

 

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